Illuminati – more impressive than a big apple.


Greetings internet traveller, you look tired, come and sit by our virtual fire and let us warm you with wit and charm.

This week’s Illuminati fell on Friday the 21st of March, a date previously considered a bit of a dud, but no longer! For now it will be known as the first step in Madison’s journey towards Guinness World Record fame. All because we introduced a new segment ‘Unimpressive Records’ whereby we seek out World Records that are frankly, not that good. This week we featured a man who has collected the largest number or aeroplane sick bags, a really big apple and of course the record for most Ferrero Rocher eaten in 60 seconds – 7. Madison is certain she can trump this slow chocolate ingestion and next weeks show will feature her attempting to eat 10 in 60 seconds, “But wait! You’re making a mistake!” you say, “60 seconds of eating will not make exciting radio.” and to that I say “Probably not, but we’re going to try anyway!” because that’s just the sort of girls we are. Here’s an image to aid in the story anyway:


We also had a look at Barcodes that controll us. How? not really sure. Why? They didn’t say. Who? The World Government and the Devil. Solution? Avoid barcodes. Then we had a look at Stubbins Ffirth, a dedicated and somewhat misguided scientist of the early 19th Century who attempted to prove Yellow Fever was not contagious. How did he do this? With Microscopes and lab rats? oh no no no. He poured ‘black vomit’ in cuts on his arm, then he dribbled it in his eyes, then obviously bored with the vomit of yellow fever patients he gathered anything they excreted (blood, spit, sweat, urine etc) and just rubbed it all over himself.  He finished his bodily fluid bath with a nice relaxing ‘vomit sauna’ – a sauna filled with heated regurgitation vapours. Lovely! Anyway, he concluded Yellow Fever was not contagious. He was wrong. But you have to admit he was very enthusiastic.

Madison also gave us a glimpse into Albert Gerbers ‘The Book Of Sex Lists’ – which as you might have guessed is a compilation of lists that relate to sex in varying degrees. The book also led us to ‘Caligula’ an X-rated film (porn) that follows an incestuous couples marriage. It is not recomended if you ever want to enjoy mashed potato again.


Scene from Caligula – never fully explained.

Last, but certainly not least ‘Quote Unquote’ led us to R Kelly’s (thus far) 22 Part Hip Hopra ‘Trapped in the Closet’. An truly brilliant piece of entertainment that Gemma can not reccomend enough. The tune doesn’t change for twenty two parts, the lyrics are both story line and stage direction, R Kelly frequently gets out his gun for no apparent reason, a midget comes out from underneath a sink, R Kelly is on more than one occasion literally trpped in a closet and it features amazing lines, like the one we chose this week; “i hope a pigeon flies by here and shit on your face…….if it do, if it do, i’m gonna wipe the shit on you”. So get a 6 pack and a friend or two and bask in R Kelly’s self-proclaimed genius.

We Also Played Songs!

Maddie Chose –

‘Good To See’ from Pinback

‘Good Thing It’s A Ghost Town’ from Still Flying

‘Lay It Down’ from Peter Bjorn and John

‘She Wears A Mask’ from Machine Translations

‘Elevator Love Letter’ from Stars

‘One Evening’ from Feist

Gem Chose –

‘Bad Penny’ from (Irish hero) Rory Gallagher

‘Lotion’ from Greenskeepers

With that we must bid you aideu for another week, don’t forget to listen next Thursday at Midnight as Madison makes chocolate-eating history*.

Love Illuminati.

(*Edit – attempts to make)


4 Responses to “Illuminati – more impressive than a big apple.”

  1. 1 Nick

    perhaps a gem should make a video of the attempt in the studio. denying us the visual hilarity that is sure to ensue would just be cruel.

  2. 2 ausrt01

    I’ll consider it, but considering my general lack of both skill and camera it seems unlikely. We’ll see.

    – Gem

  3. 3 Nick


  4. 4 Nick


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